


Strilonde Guide: How to Gay

by hopefulWitch



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bro is in jail???? Or dead??? Lurking around while hiding from the law??, Bro kidnapped Dave as a child, Dave is in the Strilonde household, Gen, He was traumatized, Humanstuck, Karkat has a huge family, M/M, Minor Internalized Homophobia, Multi, Sibling comfort, With like Dirk, You Decide, davekat - Freeform, for like a minute - Freeform, roxcaljane, roxy is covered in chicks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-05-04 12:51:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14593419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopefulWitch/pseuds/hopefulWitch
Summary: Dirk is the Big Bro it is him.





	1. Dirk's Guide on: How to Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk is the Big Bro it is him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this part will include very hurtful slurs and internalized homophobia because Bro has traumatized our dear Dave

==> Be the Concerned Older Brother

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Dave.   
TG: sup bro   
TT: We need to talk.   
TG: is that not what were doing   
TG: are we not in what is to become the depths of a meaningful and earnest conversation of brotherly intercourse that youve already dissed me as a conversational partner  
TG: i am appalled that we agreed YOU were the smart one   
TT: Dave.   
TG: oh no bro were getting in on this shit   
TG: have we fallen so far like one direction that we cant even talk anymore?????  
TG: i mean whats wrong with chatting with THE dave strider????   
TG: even karkat talks to me and he practically tears me apart while im laying there just taking it  
TG: not like sexually though because no homo right   
TT: Dave.   
TG: not that theres anything wrong with that though   
TG: if two dudes decide they wanna dick down together in bed for the sideways tango then i wont judge   
TG: doesnt even have to be dudes i mean two enbies can have all the knotty fun they want with each other   
TG: or two ladies or trans people dont matter i dont care   
TG: not caring so much the topic is dying of neglect and the cps of caring is coming to come take it away forever from my terrible parenting and never to seen again by me or anyone it knew that matter   
TG: just uproot that fucker without it even saying goodbye to anyone that mightve cared about it   
TG: im just saying karkat can talk to me pretty rough and have like an ear gasm   
TG: still nothing sexual about that not that theres anything wrong with that   
TG: i mean karkats fucking adorable and probably quite fuckable   
TG: im just saying I wouldnt fuck him because he's my bro and bros don't go for bros otherwise the bro status would be broken and all the shit will have fallen through   
TG: our bro relationship   
TG: our "brolationship"   
TG: im you making bro puns now   
TT: DAVE!  
TG: dirk   
TT: We NEED to talk about this.   
TT: Like there isn't some big ass fuckin' elephant in the room. Why didn't you tell me about this? We're brothers, Dave.   
TT: You felt like you couldn't talk to me.   
TT: What's going on?   
TG: nothing dude   
TT: Dave please, talk to me.   
TG: what do you want me to say   
TG: im a fucking gaylord   
TG: that imm some fucking FAGGOT that can't even man up to himself  
TG: well sorry to break it to you dude but i aint gay   
TT: Is that what I am to you, Dave?   
TT: Is that what that sick twisted bastard taught you?   
TG: dirk...i didnt mean   
TT: It's okay Dave.   
TT: None of this is your fault. He had no right to do any of the things he put you through.   
TG: im sorry   
TT: Don't, this is isn't on you. That asshole drilled hate and disgust in you all those years until it's all you felt. You don't have to be like him though. You are your OWN person Dave and it's okay to be gay.   
TG: i dont wanna be like him   
TG: i dont wanna live like this   
TG: i want help dude i need help please   
TT: It's okay Dave, I'm here, WE'RE here for you.   
TT: We're going to help you through this.   
TT: Starting with how you feel about boys now.   
TG: karkat   
TT: What?   
TG: what   
TT: Karkat? As in like Vantas Karkat? Shouty lil' smartass Karkat? That Karkat?   
TG: are you telling me you know more   
TT: No, but Karkat? Seriously? Doesn't he like, I dunno HATE you?   
TG: what no dudes like my best bro   
TT: You couldn't have picked someone less abrasive? Or maybe someone that won't attempt murder? What about John? He's cute.   
TG: john not a homosexual egbert   
TG: yep total catch   
TG: reeeeeally into straight guys thats me   
TG: do you see the sarcasm   
TT: Yes, Dave, I see the sarcasm.   
TG: good now teach me   
TG: teach me the way of the gay   
TG: notice me senpai   
TG: teach me your weebo bullshit dude   
TT: First off, no. Secondly only if you really want to Dave. This is a really big step and if you really think you're ready for this. Thirdly, that's our word, you cannot say nor type it.   
TG: dude just help out here   
TG: im begging ya to throw me the metaphorical bone of help here   
TG: tentacleTherapist aint got nothing on the wisdom that is dirk strider   
TT: As much as I appreciate the sentiment, you should pester Rose about this too. This is a family matter that I think she'll want to give her psychiatric prowess a run for her money.   
TG: i know and i think id rather put that off for as long as i possibly can   
TG: i dont think i can handle that right now   
TT: I know it's hard Dave.   
TG: no because the thing is you don't   
TG: youve always been okay being gay   
TG: youve always been comfortable in your own skin   
TG: you didnt have the pressure of outgrowing this homophobic bullshit   
TT: You're right. I didn't have to go through any of that. I had a loving and understanding family who accepted me without a second thought. But that doesn't mean I didn't worry about what other people thought of me. What my friends thought of me.   
TG: ...   
TT: Exactly Dave.   
TG: im sorry   
TT: Not your fault. You had it rougher than I did after all.   
TT: Just remember that we're ALL here for you Dave. One step at a time and you'll get there.   
TG: aight   
TT: Don't be a manipulative asshole and make sure he feels the same way about you. If you're going to insist on Karkat then do something sickeningly sweet for him. Remember; No Shades, No Bullshit. You've got this Dave.   
TG: thanks man   
TG: imma hit up rose and let her psychoanalyze my apparently gay ass   
TT: Alright, if you need to talk you know where to find me.   
TG: aight later dude   
TT: Later Dave.   
TT: I love you.   
TG: i love you too dirk   
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  timaeusTestified [TT] 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it for Dirk's chapter! Stay tuned for the rest of the Strilonde's Guide and Davekat!


	2. Rose's Guide on How To Lesbian for Males

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose steps in

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentecleTherapist [TT]

TG: rose   
TG: i need help 

TT: What's this? My dearest brother has come to me for assistance? Well now what a delightful surprise. Do tell why you've required my assistance, of all people.   
TG: im the gay and i dont know what to do 

TT: Oh, I didn't mean.

TG: its okay i talked to dirk and i know its okay to be gay 

TG: but how exactly do i actually do it 

TT: It's Karkat isn't it? 

TG: ...   
TT: It's Karkat. 

TG: who the fuck told you   
TG: was it dirk   
TG: it was dirk wasnt it   
TG: fucking snitch 

TT: You told me just now, but I've had my suspicions for awhile now. 

TG: oh 

TT: So, you want my expertise to help you seduce the same sex, yes? 

TG: just karkat 

TT: Right, of course only Karkat. We wouldn't want you forming any harems or that would spiral quite out of control.

TG: as if that could happen  my harems would be so fucking tight you don't even know id be the  most polygamous motherfucker  id be considered a fucking king up in the middle east

TG: aladdin aint got nothing on me and my mutual romantic homies as we steal every corpret job from the quote unquote man

TG: me and my harem slowly take over the world from the higher ups and soon i become the quote unquote man that everyone is afraid of with my right hand man vantas and my posse of partners

TT: Are you done yet David? I don't mean to interrupt your tangent, but I do believe my wisdom is what you seek, and while I'd usually enjoy nitpicking your simple brain you really do need help and I don't believe you have all day nownow you? 

TG: i think

TG: theres no time limit on how i do this right

TG: right

TT: On the contrary, the longer you wait the more time you give to someone else to come and whisk him away.

TG: goddamnit rose

TT: Ah yes, I do believe I've seen others quite interested in that "Vantass" as you so meticulously call him.

TG: rose please

TT: I distinctly recall Terezi taking a fancy to him, yes? Perhaps you would be willing to relinquish the eye of your affections to her?

TG: no rose

 

TG: i want to date him like mickey and minnie mouse except minnie is perpetually endearingly pissed and mickey is an asshole that drops sick beats and wears shades most of the time

 

TT: You would like to date him for 90 years?

 

TG: okay maybe not that long but you know what I mean

 

TT: Yes, you would like to sweep him off his feet in courtmanship until further notice in matrimony, death, or strife.

 

TG: minus the strife part

 

TT: David, every couple has problems. The point of the matter is overcoming those problems together. This is my wisdom to you, dear brother.

 

TG: thanks rose

 

TT: I'm always here for you Dave.

 

TG: for a little sister youre a big help

 

TT: Don't push it.

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentecleTherapist [TT]


	3. Roxy's Guide to Rockin' Queer Timez

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxy takes the reins in teaching Dave the 1 2 Gay Step. She's the best. It's all good timez.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  tipsyGnostalgic [TG] 

TG: yo rox

TG: yo lil bro!!!  
TG: lol lil davey dave :3  
TG: what can i do for my fav bro  
TG: don't tell dick   
TG: *dirk lmao XD  
TG: rox i got your back  
TG: but theres something i actually need to talk to you about  
TG: lay it on me davey

TG: im trying to date karkat but i dont know what im doing  
TG: like i already did the emotional bullshit and internalized homophobic asshatery with rose and dirk   
TG: now i need the cliché romantic crap you two talk about  
TG: oh!! why didnt u say so silly!! it's totes cute u wanna smeck kitkat btw  
TG: *smooch lol  
TG: yea rox i wanna smooch him  
TG: like have you *actually* looked at his lips? their fuller than his house during christmas a bit chapped maybe but full as hell  
TG: shut up  
TG: serious real talk  
TG: davey  
TG: u gotta get those libs  
TG: *lisp  
TG: **lips  
TG: i need those lips in my life rox  
TG: i will lose it rox i swear  
TG: lol davey :3   
TG: but in all seriousness i do need your help with this  
TG: im a bigger disaster than fucking katrina except instead of water its my emotional bullshit and the levies are my dam of suppressed feelings for dudes and un-ironic joy of dicks   
TG: and all the civilians fucking drowning are my dumbass thoughts that i was straight and goddamned toxic masculanity  
TG: and fucking survivors are being transported to a fucking rehabilitation center to increase pro-gay-tivity  
TG: shit  
TG: yep u got it bad my dude  
TG: fuuuuuuck  
TG: lol ur so cute together davey  
TG: u totes deserve 2 b happy w karkat  
TG: thanks roxy but i still draw a blank on how to get this done  
TG: well usually me callie and janey all do a casual dinner  
TG: followed by a movie or some other entertainment  
TG: end with huddles and cuddles <3  
TG: sounds like some overly romantic domesticated sugar coated fluff  
TG: its perfect  
TG: you are the genius roxy it is you  
TG: awwwwwe davey!!!! x3

TG: this has to like go right  
TG: shit what if he doesn't to date me?  
TG: fuck what am i thinking he probably hates my flat ass  
TG: dave  
TG: damnit roxy im in over my head  
TG: davey  
TG: fucking hell im an idiot  
TG: DAVE!!!!  
TG: ....  
TG: itll be alrite lil bro  
TG: i know for sure kitkat feels for you just like you do  
TG: how do you know  
TG: a sisters intuition ;3  
TG: thx rox

TG: anytime davey :)  
TG: now go get ur man!!!! :D

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  tipsyGnostalgic [TG]


End file.
